Another week without social media...mostly

I did make a couple of posts on Instagram...but I'm still going to keep them few and far between. I am, however, approaching 3 weeks without Facebook and I've made the decision to only be logged in on my phone when I'm out of town. I don't know yet when I'll reactivate, but when I do it'll will 99.999% be only on the computer. I want it to be something I am making myself actively do. Not having the constant negativity of news - in particular covid - overwhelm a large portion of my day has just had an overhaul on my state of mind. 

I really don't think friends and certain family members realize just how much covid has impacted my life and why I freak out so much when rates go up. It all goes back to my dad. One of his last Facebook posts was about how lonely he was and how he wished he could have visitors. Because we had no idea what was going on, we never thought to video chat him. So when a new variant emerges, when rates are 8-12k new, active cases a day in my state...I'm back to the CDC investigating our area for outbreaks in the plants here. I'm back to only being allowed to be with my dad after his passing, hearing machines in other rooms whirring so my brain is tricking me into thinking he's still alive. I panic because I worry about every single person that I love that HAS to go out in this...not to mention the ones that choose to. 

I can't really discuss this without discussing being back on an antidepressant. I really wish I had the words to explain what limited social media and proper meds really has done for my life. I've never been in denial of medications and what they can do for a person. There has just been a lot of changes as far as diagnosis and what meds I can take together recently. The new med has me feeling a little bit like the person I was before my dad died. I will never fully go back to that person. My life is fully defined now by pre Aug 2020 and post Aug 2020. But I am hoping that as I continue to get used to this medicine and as I continue to work through everything that has happened the last year and half...I'll continue to get more glimpses of my old self back.

Right now though, what I'm most excited for is that my home is almost internet picture ready. Even my office/guest room. If you've ever been in my house - you know that it's not nasty or hoarded, but it's cluttered. I'm depressed & I'm in the midst of grief/ptsd. It was always clean enough for my landlord to unexpectedly drop by...by all those annoying little things that we always let pile up. The ones that we were told growing up that if we do them every day really quick, we wouldn't have to spend hours doing them later? Yeah...I've almost completed all of those. SO many clothes sorted into donation bags. SO many damned hair ties FINALLY put away. It's like my brain isn't overwhelmed by mess anymore. I can suddenly see how to break it down and organize it easily...I haven't been able to clean and organize like this in YEARS. 

It feels good.