Another week without social media...mostly

I did make a couple of posts on Instagram...but I'm still going to keep them few and far between. I am, however, approaching 3 weeks without Facebook and I've made the decision to only be logged in on my phone when I'm out of town. I don't know yet when I'll reactivate, but when I do it'll will 99.999% be only on the computer. I want it to be something I am making myself actively do. Not having the constant negativity of news - in particular covid - overwhelm a large portion of my day has just had an overhaul on my state of mind. 

I really don't think friends and certain family members realize just how much covid has impacted my life and why I freak out so much when rates go up. It all goes back to my dad. One of his last Facebook posts was about how lonely he was and how he wished he could have visitors. Because we had no idea what was going on, we never thought to video chat him. So when a new variant emerges, when rates are 8-12k new, active cases a day in my state...I'm back to the CDC investigating our area for outbreaks in the plants here. I'm back to only being allowed to be with my dad after his passing, hearing machines in other rooms whirring so my brain is tricking me into thinking he's still alive. I panic because I worry about every single person that I love that HAS to go out in this...not to mention the ones that choose to. 

I can't really discuss this without discussing being back on an antidepressant. I really wish I had the words to explain what limited social media and proper meds really has done for my life. I've never been in denial of medications and what they can do for a person. There has just been a lot of changes as far as diagnosis and what meds I can take together recently. The new med has me feeling a little bit like the person I was before my dad died. I will never fully go back to that person. My life is fully defined now by pre Aug 2020 and post Aug 2020. But I am hoping that as I continue to get used to this medicine and as I continue to work through everything that has happened the last year and half...I'll continue to get more glimpses of my old self back.

Right now though, what I'm most excited for is that my home is almost internet picture ready. Even my office/guest room. If you've ever been in my house - you know that it's not nasty or hoarded, but it's cluttered. I'm depressed & I'm in the midst of grief/ptsd. It was always clean enough for my landlord to unexpectedly drop by...by all those annoying little things that we always let pile up. The ones that we were told growing up that if we do them every day really quick, we wouldn't have to spend hours doing them later? Yeah...I've almost completed all of those. SO many clothes sorted into donation bags. SO many damned hair ties FINALLY put away. It's like my brain isn't overwhelmed by mess anymore. I can suddenly see how to break it down and organize it easily...I haven't been able to clean and organize like this in YEARS. 

It feels good. 

The Peak Millennial

 I've tried to stay off social media for the better part of the last two weeks. I won't lie, I feel much like an addict going through withdrawal. Mostly because I am. I've had had my Facebook account since 2005 or 2006. Back when you had to have a .edu/college email to sign up. Somehow, despite the recent and continuous sanctions Zucc keeps retroactively enforcing, I still have my original account 16-17 years later.

Right now this is the longest I've ever deactivated in this decade in a half. As, the name suggests, I am the Peak Millennial. I'm 34 years old. I've got two bachelors degrees. I'm currently unemployed due to the pandemic and have been since October of 2021. August of 2020 saw me lose my father and since then I've lost the bulk of my BoomXer maternal family for setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries such as, please consult me before making decisions on my behalf, especially when I'm working 50 hours a week. I will admit here that in situation was under an enormous amounts of stress and when that happens things, that otherwise wouldn't, sometimes happen. That said, when confronted, the adult thing to do is to not double down, but to admit fault and apologize. This is something my maternal family struggles with. Hell, this is something I still struggle with, but I try to be aware of of it. I try to apologize when I've hurt someone like that.  

Social media didn't help during the pandemic. Social media just isolated someone who was already lonely, depressed, and suffering from a whole host of mental & chronic health issues. The first thing most of us do when we wake up is turn off the alarm and check our preferred social media of choice. Being in my mid 30s, mine is Facebook. And well I think webcomic_name says it better than I ever could...

credit: www.webcomic.com

It really doesn't matter what social media you're on, it's all one massive doom scroll after another. Honestly, that's kind of what it feels like being an Elder Millennial. Just one massive doom scroll after another. Does anyone else feel like that? I don't even know if anyone will read this blog. Who knows? 

It does feel good being off social media, but for the occasional odd snapchat here and there. My house is the cleanest it's been in ages. I don't know if it's the new antidepressant I've started or the being off social media or both maybe?...but it's like the clutter I've been avoiding just doesn't seem that overwhelming anymore. All the sudden my brain can see it and it knows how to organize it. I've been able to do more since Tuesday than I have in probably years. I know some of this is also due in part to finally being properly re-diagnosed as ADHD. But it's more than that, that re-diagnosis (a story for another day) was 5 months ago. This, this is I think my depression finally lifting a bit. It does leave me a bit guilty. But I know my dad wouldn't want me to grieve forever. 

I do miss a bit of the anonymous social interaction of the Facebook groups, but I think instead of reading that kind of drama, I'm going to try to start reading-reading again. It's been a long time since I've been able to just read for enjoyment and I used to read 4-8 books a month depending on how long/how much free time I had.

It just feels like my brain is clearing. I hope.